Getting the news that I was positively diagnosed with melanoma was pretty devastating, but only in some respects. I've had some strange impressions and experiences along the way - some of them intensely beautiful and some of them extremely difficult. I have gained a deep and profound sense that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has a plan for me and is intimately aware of me. I didn't believe that before I received this news. Life, and my own shortcomings, had lulled me into a sense of purposelessness. It was just a sense that we are left to our own devices in this life and we needed to do the best we could. That God didn't really play much of a part but just kind of let us figure it out. Then at the end he'd tell us if it was good enough or not. Oh how wrong I feel now as I see His hand in my life so clearly. His will is what matters most in this process. My job is just to try and live my life seeking to understand what that is. I need to do my part and seek for the best treatments, have courage, be optimistic (maybe positive is a better word) and open/vulnerable and to do everything I can do to LIVE, while accepting the greater understanding beyond what I can see before me - His will is all that matters and a loving Heavenly Father is mindful of me and my family and will ultimately do what's best for us. That is good enough for me.
I live in Arizona, but was in Tennessee for work when my dermatologist called me. He told me the news and my mind kind of went into a shock. It felt foggy for a minute. As I look back, it was a shock to my system and I honestly feel like I came out of a fog. I received the diagnosis on May 9, 2013. Since that time, life has been so much more full and meaningful and hard and painful and spiritual; filled with love and anger and peace and sadness and hope. I feel like I go through the range of emotions, but what I am not doing is just going through the motions anymore. Life is very real and very raw.
I am afraid of flying. On my way out to Tennessee a few days before I received the news of my diagnosis, when I was flying in the airplane I received the strongest impression that I didn't need to be afraid of flying anymore. God knew how and when I was going to die and a plane crash was not it (still scared me a ton a month later when one of our flights into Houston had a pretty rough landing :)). Strange to me that I recieved this impression a few days before I got the news.
- Marriage
After I got the news, I have just wanted to be by my wife's side. I've never truly understood the concept of cleaving unto your wife (see Mark 10:2-9). I feel like I understand it more. Sometimes it has come across as clingy to her, which has been hard for me, but mostly it is just that I want her by my side and the world feels ok. Time with my children, time with my siblings, time with my dear friends... these things are all so valuable to me right now. I most enjoy all of these experiences when I have my sweet wife by my side. In an instant when I got the news, it fundamentally changed my marriage, my perspective on my relationship with her and my actions.
We were married in the Mormon temple in Los Angeles in 1998. Crazy that it was over 15 years ago. Feels like yesterday, and also feels like forever ago. I want to talk to that boy who was getting married and give him some advice (anyone heard Brad Paisley's song - "Letter to me"???). Anyways, we believe in marriage for time and all eternity. We believe that if we live our lives in such a way that we accept the atoning sacrifice of our savior Jesus Christ, that through His Grace and love that we can be perfected in Him (we have a small part in trying to live better each day and give our best and repenting and turning to Him when we fall short). Part of that process of being reconciled with God and perfected in the atonement is that our marriage becomes something that lasts beyond death. The hope and happiness this brings me is immense. Our relationship has been more real and raw than ever in the last few months. At some points beautiful beyond description, at other times I'm sure my sweetheart dreads the thoughts of being with me forever. Regardless, my role as a husband has changed fundamentally. My devotion to my wife is more full and complete.
I remember when I first came home from Tennessee, that I went into my kids rooms to kiss them goodnight. I had caught a late flight and they were all asleep. I had such a sad feeling of me actually disappearing from their lives. I was walking down the hall and I could imagine my being (my person) just literally disappearing from my home and family. It was like in a movie when they have a picture with a few people and someone just fades out and disappears from the picture. It was so sad to think of not being there for my 4 year old, curly haired sunshine of a daughter's transition into different stages of life. So sad to think of my 8 year old gentle, kind hearted son, not having his dad around as he received the priesthood when he turned 12. Or to think of my devoted, spiritual 12 year old going on a mission in 7 years and not being there to support and love him. Or to think of my 20 year old daughter graduating from college or getting married and not having her dad there. It was truly a sad feeling.
- Inner struggle
I find that I am constantly going back and forth between feeling that sort of sadness and feeling a beautiful sense of hope. The funny thing is that it doesn't have to do with whether or not my mortal body is going to survive. It has to do with my faith in Jesus Christ. It has to do with the love that I have for the people around me and my ability to see them as literal sons and daughters of God. It has to do with my ability to be open and vulnerable and sharing this experience with people or alternatively, closing up and closing in and suffering in despair.
It is a beautiful process of refinement that I am grateful for.
Hope
Atonement
Suffering
Dad blessing
-role of suffering
-great grandpa
-grandma
-Ladd
Redemption
-Shawshank
-Les Mis
-The Last Samurai
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