I had meetings in California today, so I decided to come early to see Tyler and Jen and Eliza. Unfortunately Jen and Eliza had to go to Ventura but loved the opportunity to catch up with Tyler. What an amazing little brother, example, and dear friend. I love that kid and am so grateful for an intertwined life and too many good memories to count.
I had such a vivid dream last night. I don't remember the exact situation or who was there, but I was in a very safe environment. I felt secure and comfortable. I had loved ones around but it was more just a matter of having people around and feeling loved than anyone specific. I felt like I was given a choice, it felt like I had control - you can take control of your life and have the cancer gone, but you have to give up the benefits as well as the hardship. It was a feeling of surety and panic. There was no question that I would not trade my experience and growth in order to not have the cancer anymore - too many blessings, too much beauty, too much spiritual growth, and too many deep meaningful relationships tied to this hardship. I wouldn't change it for the world. It was such a peaceful feeling to feel like I had a choice, like I had control for just a minute - and that I had enough faith and belief that my life is in God's hands that I wouldn't change it. A tender mercy and blessing. I will count those and remember them - a source of strength through the hard times.
I flew from CA to Houston tonight. I have MRI and CT Scans tomorrow. Always a little scary that something will show up and the cancer will have spread. Fear and faith can't exist at the same time...
I was reading "The Infinite Atonement" on the plane and ended up in The Book of Mormon reading from the teachings of Alma and Amulek. I quickly found myself in tears pondering the gospel and the atonement and the blessings and peace available there. I was reading the words of Alma to his son - "I know that whosoever will put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." Then as Alma goes on to talk about his sins and fears and being paralyzed and struck thinking that all was lost because of his mistakes - actually being in a coma for 3 days racked with torment and thinking all was lost - but then remembering the teachings of his father and the gospel and the shining light of Jesus Christ. He felt hope and "could remember (his) pains no more." What a beautiful story of redemption and light. How beautiful of him to share his example of turning from darkness to a life of service and spreading this hope to other. I also read in Alma 34 and Amulek's beautiful discourse on the atonement. Such hope, peace and light in his words. All of it centered in Christ, His life, His love and ultimately his infinite atonement and sacrifice for us... For me. So grateful for my knowledge of this in these times of trial. Can't imagine facing without. I'm grateful for Amulek's counsel to be "watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil" and also that "ye should work out your salvation with fear before God." Sometimes the spirit bears witness so strongly of things we read. It's life altering and confirming about what is true, what matters in life and how I should live my life. Those moments of clarity are so precious...precious gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful.
I didn't know if I was going to be strong enough to keep fighting through this treatment. I reached a breaking point one night... But also have the experience under my belt of my sweet wife singing like an angel to comfort me and help me get to sleep. I'm grateful to feel stronger and ready for this next step. I got this :)... Again I'm hopeful to gain a deeper understanding of the atonement through this suffering.
Diamonds come from intense pressure and time. I'm grateful for my trials (not that I'm begging for more :).
I almost forgot to mention that I was pleasantly surprised to see Brad at the service center. An unexpected treat. Also so many dear people to me there. Loved talking to Beverly and others.
Also had a wonderful weekend with Bev, PJ and Kimball this weekend. I know it's such a sacrifice for them to come see us, but love the time with my sister and time for my kids with their cousins. Some deep meaningful conversations about life and struggle. Its a beautiful thing when we can talk and uplift each other.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Relief
It definitely is the hardest time when I come home for the first 5-6 days. The first treatment, when I got home on Tuesday night, I was feeling better by Friday. This time Friday came and I expected to feel better and I just didn't. Kind of depressing. There is something so important about managing our expectations. It's not so hard to deal with things when we expect them to be so, it's when we expect them to be better and different that we then have to deal with the worse or different experience and ALSO our expectations as well. Double the challenge. I think marriage is the area that I've had to learn that over and over again... not that my beautiful wife hasn't exceeded my expectations in every way shape or form, BUT no one can live up to each others expectations and even after 15 years of marriage, I still have to manage my expectations (and maybe more important her expectations). Anyways...
I think today I'm starting to feel better. It just comes like a wave, I feel ok in the hospital, then they give me my last set of IV meds and send me on my way. The next 4 (or 5 or 6) days, just go so painfully slow. I don't even know how to describe it because its not like regular pain. I don't have a headache, or a stomach ache or any other ache. I just feel tired and nauseous it feels like a big 10 inch black dark hole through the center of my chest is just gone and I can't do anything to make it feel better. It was nice this time because I didn't feel so unhappy this time. The first time, I think I was crabby with Kristin. This time didn't feel like that... I felt more restless this time. I couldn't sit still, I was more quiet. I would sit down and then a few seconds later I would need to get up and move. I couldn't find any comfortable places, just moving from place to place would bring me some comfort, but then I'd someplace and couldn't feel settled. Kristin's dad had talked about feeling this way with his cancer treatments. It's a strange feeling to feel like your running away and toward something but you can never find it. You can't find that comfortable bed or chair or even a conversation or book or... just kind of trying to satisfy that need to move and find a place to feel ok. Akathisia - this is the clinical name for it - "a feeling of restlessness and a strong urge to be in constant motion. Movements include fidgeting, rocking while standing or sitting." It says its a side effect of the ABH (ativan, benadryl and Haldol). I'm worried it's the Ativan - my big concern is that they'll have to take me off of it for this next round. I don't know that for sure, just worried at this point. I feel like it has been such a wonder drug in terms of making the hospital time go by so quickly and then also making me forget the time in the hospital. It is a blissful way to pass a miserable time.
I've also had some issues with aura's in my vision. I've had this happen maybe three times when I see bright lights on the side of my vision and then a little in the center. It doesn't develop into a headache, just feels like it's going to and makes me feel out of kilter. I'll have to talk to my doctor when I go back next Tuesday to get some advice on these two things. I sat through sacrament meeting on Sunday with this feeling. It made it dreadfully hard to concentrate.
I have a week ahead of feeling good. I'm so excited. A whole week - what am I to do with myself :). I did some yoga this afternoon (very simple stuff about 20 minutes long). It felt good to be doing something active and centering to my mind. The exercise was good and then the breathing/relaxation at the end was also very calming inside. I'm hoping that I can do yoga for the next week and work on this way of calming myself when I feel my inability to sit down and calm myself down. The mind is such a powerful tool if we can learn how to use it.
I'll hopefully be able to get some work done in the next week as well. I was telling Kristin that it's hard to get back into things for a week and then completely disconnect for 1.5-2 weeks. It's hard to feel like I'm able to do anything productive and to feel like I can make a difference. I guess it's what I have to offer so I will do what I can.
Wendi is coming down on Tuesday to be here for the week with the kids. She had to take the time off work and it feels like a HUGE sacrifice. I'm really excited for my kids to spend the time with her. I have such amazing siblings. So grateful for her and Greg's sacrifice for her to be down here.
I think today I'm starting to feel better. It just comes like a wave, I feel ok in the hospital, then they give me my last set of IV meds and send me on my way. The next 4 (or 5 or 6) days, just go so painfully slow. I don't even know how to describe it because its not like regular pain. I don't have a headache, or a stomach ache or any other ache. I just feel tired and nauseous it feels like a big 10 inch black dark hole through the center of my chest is just gone and I can't do anything to make it feel better. It was nice this time because I didn't feel so unhappy this time. The first time, I think I was crabby with Kristin. This time didn't feel like that... I felt more restless this time. I couldn't sit still, I was more quiet. I would sit down and then a few seconds later I would need to get up and move. I couldn't find any comfortable places, just moving from place to place would bring me some comfort, but then I'd someplace and couldn't feel settled. Kristin's dad had talked about feeling this way with his cancer treatments. It's a strange feeling to feel like your running away and toward something but you can never find it. You can't find that comfortable bed or chair or even a conversation or book or... just kind of trying to satisfy that need to move and find a place to feel ok. Akathisia - this is the clinical name for it - "a feeling of restlessness and a strong urge to be in constant motion. Movements include fidgeting, rocking while standing or sitting." It says its a side effect of the ABH (ativan, benadryl and Haldol). I'm worried it's the Ativan - my big concern is that they'll have to take me off of it for this next round. I don't know that for sure, just worried at this point. I feel like it has been such a wonder drug in terms of making the hospital time go by so quickly and then also making me forget the time in the hospital. It is a blissful way to pass a miserable time.
I've also had some issues with aura's in my vision. I've had this happen maybe three times when I see bright lights on the side of my vision and then a little in the center. It doesn't develop into a headache, just feels like it's going to and makes me feel out of kilter. I'll have to talk to my doctor when I go back next Tuesday to get some advice on these two things. I sat through sacrament meeting on Sunday with this feeling. It made it dreadfully hard to concentrate.
I have a week ahead of feeling good. I'm so excited. A whole week - what am I to do with myself :). I did some yoga this afternoon (very simple stuff about 20 minutes long). It felt good to be doing something active and centering to my mind. The exercise was good and then the breathing/relaxation at the end was also very calming inside. I'm hoping that I can do yoga for the next week and work on this way of calming myself when I feel my inability to sit down and calm myself down. The mind is such a powerful tool if we can learn how to use it.
I'll hopefully be able to get some work done in the next week as well. I was telling Kristin that it's hard to get back into things for a week and then completely disconnect for 1.5-2 weeks. It's hard to feel like I'm able to do anything productive and to feel like I can make a difference. I guess it's what I have to offer so I will do what I can.
Wendi is coming down on Tuesday to be here for the week with the kids. She had to take the time off work and it feels like a HUGE sacrifice. I'm really excited for my kids to spend the time with her. I have such amazing siblings. So grateful for her and Greg's sacrifice for her to be down here.
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