Dreaming and studying and prepping for #3

I had meetings in California today, so I decided to come early to see Tyler and Jen and Eliza. Unfortunately Jen and Eliza had to go to Ventura but loved the opportunity to catch up with Tyler. What an amazing little brother, example, and dear friend. I love that kid and am so grateful for an intertwined life and too many good memories to count.

I had such a vivid dream last night. I don't remember the exact situation or who was there, but I was in a very safe environment. I felt secure and comfortable. I had loved ones around but it was more just a matter of having people around and feeling loved than anyone specific. I felt like I was given a choice, it felt like I had control - you can take control of your life and have the cancer gone, but you have to give up the benefits as well as the hardship. It was a feeling of surety and panic. There was no question that I would not trade my experience and growth in order to not have the cancer anymore - too many blessings, too much beauty, too much spiritual growth, and too many deep meaningful relationships tied to this hardship. I wouldn't change it for the world. It was such a peaceful feeling to feel like I had a choice, like I had control for just a minute - and that I had enough faith and belief that my life is in God's hands that I wouldn't change it. A tender mercy and blessing. I will count those and remember them - a source of strength through the hard times.

I flew from CA to Houston tonight. I have MRI and CT Scans tomorrow. Always a little scary that something will show up and the cancer will have spread. Fear and faith can't exist at the same time...

I was reading "The Infinite Atonement" on the plane and ended up in The Book of Mormon reading from the teachings of Alma and Amulek. I quickly found myself in tears pondering the gospel and the atonement and the blessings and peace available there. I was reading the words of Alma to his son - "I know that whosoever will put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." Then as Alma goes on to talk about his sins and fears and being paralyzed and struck thinking that all was lost because of his mistakes - actually being in a coma for 3 days racked with torment and thinking all was lost - but then remembering the teachings of his father and the gospel and the shining light of Jesus Christ. He felt hope and "could remember (his) pains no more." What a beautiful story of redemption and light. How beautiful of him to share his example of turning from darkness to a life of service and spreading this hope to other. I also read in Alma 34 and Amulek's beautiful discourse on the atonement. Such hope, peace and light in his words. All of it centered in Christ, His life, His love and ultimately his infinite atonement and sacrifice for us... For me. So grateful for my knowledge of this in these times of trial. Can't imagine facing without. I'm grateful for Amulek's counsel to be "watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil" and also that "ye should work out your salvation with fear before God." Sometimes the spirit bears witness so strongly of things we read. It's life altering and confirming about what is true, what matters in life and how I should live my life. Those moments of clarity are so precious...precious gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful.

I didn't know if I was going to be strong enough to keep fighting through this treatment. I reached a breaking point one night... But also have the experience under my belt of my sweet wife singing like an angel to comfort me and help me get to sleep. I'm grateful to feel stronger and ready for this next step. I got this :)... Again I'm hopeful to gain a deeper understanding of the atonement through this suffering.

Diamonds come from intense pressure and time. I'm grateful for my trials (not that I'm begging for more :).

I almost forgot to mention that I was pleasantly surprised to see Brad at the service center. An unexpected treat. Also so many dear people to me there. Loved talking to Beverly and others.

Also had a wonderful weekend with Bev, PJ and Kimball this weekend. I know it's such a sacrifice for them to come see us, but love the time with my sister and time for my kids with their cousins. Some deep meaningful conversations about life and struggle. Its a beautiful thing when we can talk and uplift each other.