Relief

It definitely is the hardest time when I come home for the first 5-6 days. The first treatment, when I got home on Tuesday night, I was feeling better by Friday. This time Friday came and I expected to feel better and I just didn't. Kind of depressing. There is something so important about managing our expectations. It's not so hard to deal with things when we expect them to be so, it's when we expect them to be better and different that we then have to deal with the worse or different experience and ALSO our expectations as well. Double the challenge. I think marriage is the area that I've had to learn that over and over again... not that my beautiful wife hasn't exceeded my expectations in every way shape or form, BUT no one can live up to each others expectations and even after 15 years of marriage, I still have to manage my expectations (and maybe more important her expectations). Anyways...

I think today I'm starting to feel better. It just comes like a wave, I feel ok in the hospital, then they give me my last set of IV meds and send me on my way. The next 4 (or 5 or 6) days, just go so painfully slow. I don't even know how to describe it because its not like regular pain. I don't have a headache, or a stomach ache or any other ache. I just feel tired and nauseous it feels like a big 10 inch black dark hole through the center of my chest is just gone and I can't do anything to make it feel better. It was nice this time because I didn't feel so unhappy this time. The first time, I think I was crabby with Kristin. This time didn't feel like that... I felt more restless this time. I couldn't sit still, I was more quiet. I would sit down and then a few seconds later I would need to get up and move. I couldn't find any comfortable places, just moving from place to place would bring me some comfort, but then I'd someplace and couldn't feel settled. Kristin's dad had talked about feeling this way with his cancer treatments. It's a strange feeling to feel like your running away and toward something but you can never find it. You can't find that comfortable bed or chair or even a conversation or book or... just kind of trying to satisfy that need to move and find a place to feel ok. Akathisia - this is the clinical name for it - "a feeling of restlessness and a strong urge to be in constant motion. Movements include fidgeting, rocking while standing or sitting." It says its a side effect of the ABH (ativan, benadryl and Haldol). I'm worried it's the Ativan - my big concern is that they'll have to take me off of it for this next round. I don't know that for sure, just worried at this point. I feel like it has been such a wonder drug in terms of making the hospital time go by so quickly and then also making me forget the time in the hospital. It is a blissful way to pass a miserable time.

I've also had some issues with aura's in my vision. I've had this happen maybe three times when I see bright lights on the side of my vision and then a little in the center. It doesn't develop into a headache, just feels like it's going to and makes me feel out of kilter. I'll have to talk to my doctor when I go back next Tuesday to get some advice on these two things. I sat through sacrament meeting on Sunday with this feeling. It made it dreadfully hard to concentrate. 

I have a week ahead of feeling good. I'm so excited. A whole week - what am I to do with myself :). I did some yoga this afternoon (very simple stuff about 20 minutes long). It felt good to be doing something active and centering to my mind. The exercise was good and then the breathing/relaxation at the end was also very calming inside. I'm hoping that I can do yoga for the next week and work on this way of calming myself when I feel my inability to sit down and calm myself down. The mind is such a powerful tool if we can learn how to use it.

I'll hopefully be able to get some work done in the next week as well. I was telling Kristin that it's hard to get back into things for a week and then completely disconnect for 1.5-2 weeks. It's hard to feel like I'm able to do anything productive and to feel like I can make a difference. I guess it's what I have to offer so I will do what I can. 

Wendi is coming down on Tuesday to be here for the week with the kids. She had to take the time off work and it feels like a HUGE sacrifice. I'm really excited for my kids to spend the time with her. I have such amazing siblings. So grateful for her and Greg's sacrifice for her to be down here.